We’re Messy

Now that I’ve got two feet firmly planted in adulthood, what surprises me most is the messiness. Everything is so complicated! It used to be that complexity was the punctuation in an otherwise easy-going sentence – the looming deadline and packed calendar were temporary; a “return to normal” was just over the horizon. “I just need to make it through this week!” we’d say, and it was true. This feels especially poignant as school lets out for summer break – remember the feeling of three lazy months unfurling before you? Ugh. Bliss.

Now, life is dizzyingly complex and hard to follow, punctuated with brief moments of respite – an hour in front of the TV wishing you had the energy for something more meaningful (whatever that is). The kicker is how hard it is to break out of the “I just need to make it through this week” mentality. Sorry babe: it just doesn’t work that way any more. 

I thought I’d have it all figured out by now! And even though life experience and my own capacity for self-compassion have helped me realize I’ll (we’ll) never have it all figured out, it’s hard not to feel like I’ve failed in some way, and hard not to feel lonely and ashamed in that failure.

So, ok. This is the new normal. Now what? 

As my hero, Emily Drake, would say: More love. More support. I give myself the gift of love through self-compassion and vulnerability with my loved ones. I give myself the gift of support by asking for help and accepting it when it’s offered. 

The mess is my responsibility, but it’s not my fault. There are structural forces and cultural expectations and…that’s a conversation that requires a LOT more research and thoughtfulness than I have the capacity to give y’all right now.  I will, however, link to this deeply relatable piece from NYT by the always good Jessica Grose (gift link).

I’ll close with this passage from Waking Life, a very trippy, philosophical Richard Linklater film from the early aughts:

“‘Oh, someday, like in my mid-thirties maybe, everything's going to just somehow gel and settle, just end.’ It was like there was this plateau, and it was waiting for me, and I was climbing up it, and when I got to the top, all growth and change would stop. Even exhilaration. But that hasn't happened like that, thank goodness. I think that what we don't take into account when we're young is our endless curiosity. That's what's so great about being human.”

Over the years, I’ve always remembered the first part of this quotation – the way adulthood subverts our expectations of plateau. I’m so glad I revisited it halfway through my climb.